I am a runner. Well, that's at least what I try to make my body believe. Last Friday, I started running...again. The last time I ran was on my birthday, which was over a month ago. Why? It isn't because I hate running, it is because I lack motivation to go out and Just Do It, even with great Nike's sitting in my closet. In fact, I love everything about running. When I run I get lost in my thoughts, it is a great stress outlet (when there are days I feel like Atlas), and it always gets my creative juices flowing. One Thing for sure is that I feel rejuvenated and healthy when I run, but on a scale Five to One, five being the most experienced, committed runner, I am a two striving to be a five.
Last Friday's run brought many emotions to the forefront due to the uncertain direction my life is going these days and the even bigger question of where do I want it to go? Even staring at A Sky Full Of Stars won't bring me clarity. So, all the self-doubt, confusion, and insecurity that I felt when I was a teenager listening to U2's The Unforgettable Fire, trying to find my way, were all rushing back into my forty-year old body. Then the tears started flowing! I am not a stranger to what I call "the cry baby run", it has happened to me several times before, but this time was different. I was scared. Scared that I made a huge mistake quitting my job, scared that I will not discover what kind of career I want to do next, and scared that if I do need to go back to work sooner than planned I will not be able to find a Suit And Tie job that I am so qualified to do. I felt like a little kid who has to confess to the grumpy neighbor that the Broke Window on his house was caused by my baseball going through it.
Finally, gaining composure (it's difficult to run and cry at the same time), new thoughts and emotions flooded in and I was so relieved to Feel love. I realized that with all of the huge mistakes and poor choices (there have been some doozies!) I have made in my life I am surrounded by people that have forgiven, encouraged, and never left my side. I felt at ease that everything was going to be okay because this is no Ordinary Love that I am feeling. I have a support group that will guide and reassure me that the path I am choosing leads to happiness, fulfillment and a sense of accomplishment. And if I am getting off track they will be there to point me in the right direction.
In my eyes, I am the luckiest girl on earth to have:
~ a husband who cares for me, looks past my flaws and encourages me to keep going when I don't have the confidence to carry on.
~ four beautiful, talented, strong, empathetic children (I Would Die 4 You) that have taught me more than I could have ever imagined and kept me going purely because they exist.
~ my mother, father, step-mom, step-dad, sister and niece who inspire me everyday to be the best person I can possibly be through unconditional love and acceptance.
~ a network of friends, old & new, that have shown me more than just A Little Respect. They have cheered me on, believed in me, let me be my goofy self with no judgment, and snapped me back into reality when I was completely lost.
Needless to say, that this run turned into a much needed look inside myself filled with sentiments and epiphanies. Even though I know self-doubt will rear its ugly head again down the road I know that I have people to fall back on that will uplift and reassure me. My only wish is that someday I will return the favor and that all of you who are reading this realize that there are many people in your life who will comfort you when you are feeling low, are always ready to listen and help you along the way. I now know, no matter where life takes me, it is the people who are in my life that are the most important part of who I am. Bring it on life. I am ready to conquer!
Who inspires, reassures, and guides you through life?
Below is my moody running playlist. No wonder I end up crying! :)
What are your favorite songs on your running/workout playlist? I would love some suggestions.
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